Starting a Conversation After a Disagreement: A Guide Using the Gottman Method

Disagreements happen in every relationship, but how we handle them can make a big difference. The Gottman Method, developed by renowned psychologists Drs. John and Julie Gottman, offers valuable tools to navigate conflicts constructively. As a therapist, helping couples understand and apply these principles can foster healthier communication and deeper connection. Here’s a guide to initiating conversation after a disagreement using the Gottman Method.

1. Set the Stage

Before jumping into the conversation, make sure both of you feel comfortable and safe. Pick a quiet, private time to talk without interruptions. Approach the discussion calmly, setting the tone for a respectful and open dialogue. Maybe over a cup of tea or during a peaceful walk?

2. Start Softly

The Gottmans stress the importance of starting conversations gently. Use “I” statements to express your feelings without blaming or criticizing. For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try, “I feel unheard when we don’t discuss things fully.” It’s all about sharing your perspective without putting the other person on the defensive.

3. Listen Actively

Active listening is key. Pay full attention to what your partner is saying without interrupting. Show genuine interest in their perspective. Paraphrase what you’ve heard to ensure you understand. For instance, saying, “So you’re feeling frustrated because it seemed like I wasn’t paying attention, right?” shows empathy and a willingness to understand.

4. Show Appreciation

After a disagreement, it’s important to acknowledge the good things in your relationship. Let your partner know what you appreciate about them. This can create a positive vibe and make it easier to resolve conflicts. Saying something like, “I really appreciate how hard you work for our family,” can reinforce your bond.

5. Own Your Part

Taking responsibility for your actions goes a long way. Acknowledge any mistakes and express genuine remorse. Saying, “I’m sorry for raising my voice. I understand that it hurt you, and I’ll work on staying calm during our discussions,” shows maturity and commitment to the relationship.

6. Make Repair Attempts

The Gottmans highlight the importance of repair attempts—efforts to ease the tension during conflict. These can be as simple as a touch, a smile, or a humorous comment. Recognize and accept these attempts as ways to break negative cycles and reconnect. Be open to these gestures and view them as steps towards reconciliation.

7. Find Solutions Together

Once you’ve both acknowledged and validated each other’s feelings, focus on finding solutions together. Brainstorm potential compromises and agree on steps to prevent similar conflicts in the future. This teamwork approach fosters mutual respect. For example, you might agree to set aside specific times for discussing important issues, ensuring both of you have a chance to be heard.

8. Practice Patience and Compassion

Remember, rebuilding trust and improving communication takes time and effort. Be patient with each other and yourselves. Recognize that progress may be gradual. Practicing compassion and maintaining a positive outlook can help sustain your relationship through tough times.

By using these Gottman Method principles, you can transform conflicts into opportunities for growth and deeper connection. These skills empower you to navigate disagreements with empathy and understanding, ultimately strengthening your relationship.

Thank you,

Sydnecia Zenon, LPC-A

Supervised by Tia Jennings, LPC-S